Well what can I say on the day that Steve Bruce has left Latics to become the new manager of Sunderland? Despite the money available to him, I honestly think this is a sideways move for Bruce. Sunderland won’t be challenging for the top 4, they may not even challenge for the top 6. We’ve known it for a while but now it’s been confirmed – money talks in football.

Yes, Sunderland may get 40-odd thousand fans a week but they haven’t really finished miles ahead of Latics in the last few years. If Bruce had been better at motivating his players, then maybe we could have finished 7th last season. If Fulham can do it, with a chairman like Al Fayed (who makes Whelan look quiet) and a fan-base not-to dissimilar to Wigan, then surely we could? I think it sums Steve Bruce up when he leaves Wigan after 18 months for his <strong>seventh</strong> managerial appointment in 11 years.

I hope that Whelan has got something up his sleeve, I’m certain he has. He seemed to be quite happy to let Bruce go, which makes me think something wasn’t quite right behind the scenes with him. Maybe its Whelan’s new policy of selling players that pushed Bruce to the exit.

There are now rumours flying around that Bruce will make bids for some of the Wigan players. Bramble and Boyce are discussing new deals and this business could have put them off signing. Like I’ve said before, I don’t see why we should sell our best players to anyone but the BIG 4 or some top European club, not the likes of Spurs and indeed Sunderland. After all, Whelan wants us to get into Europe doesn’t he? Whatever crap he comes out with – we don’t need the money (yet) Dave, so stop paying crap players, such as Marlon King £40,000 a week and spend it on players who are actually good and don’t cause trouble with the law!

Latics legend, Roberto ‘Bob’ Martinex, currently in charge of Swansea, is wanted by Whelan to replace Bruce. He’s done a wonderful job at Swansea, gets them to play some great football and seems to have a lot of contacts in Spain. It would be a wonderful appointment and a very ironic one – Martinez was released by Steve Bruce, just before the manager left the first time to join Crystal Palace in 2001.

With Whelan angering the fans by letting Bruce go, selling players, keeping Maurice Lindsay on the payroll, naming a stand after a rugby player and talking crap to the media, the Martinex appointment will surely smooth those people down.

Whatever happens, let’s just hope he makes the right appointment and we stuff Sunderland next season!

So the Queen (and her husband!) visited Wigan on Tuesday. Nobody seemed arsed, which was (apparently – I wasn’t born) a stark contrast to her sliver jubilee visit in 1977.and her last visit in 1986. But who I am I to comment about the royal family and what they do for their modern-day subjects?

Wigan North Western train station greatly received ‘Her Maj’, which was so far removed from the usual welcomes you get outside the station. Sadly, her first site of Wigan was Cash Converters and a shop with TAXIS written on it. Typical Wigan really – everything prepared but not thought out properly. Surely we could have had a more useful and appealing site than the above two businesses?

She then headed to WN5 to visit Kitt Green’s Heinz factory, which is 50 years old. Prince Philip felt at home with the ‘Marsh Green Boyz’ and even joined in with a bit of stone-throwing and racially-dubious heckling. The Wigan Evening (rugby) Post was on fire with their embarrassing headline-quips. ‘Queen Meanz Heinz’ was one - I bet that hasn’t been used in relation to the factory before, eh? Britain’s long-serving monarch then did a bit of time-travel by visiting the Oliver!-themed town of Leigh. She officially opened their ‘Sports Village’, built by Wigan Council.

Her royal tour was over after a visit to Bolton. Whether or not she suffered any mutations from her visit there, remains to be seen.

Anyway, here are three alternative activities that the Royal party could have participated in.

Spending a day with Wiganers of their own age - The Queen and Prince Philip spend the day with Wigan’s vast pensioner population. They get on the bus at 9.30 (which is timed by the second) for free and take a pointless ride around the borough. They sit down and put their bag on the other seat, not allowing a worker, who has actually paid for the ride, a seat. Later they’ll nip to the local club for a game of Bingo, a lemonade and a moan about the youth of today and how pensioners should be entitled to everything, despite plenty of their number not doing a days work in there lives. Later, they visit their mates, in the cemetery and attempt to dig them up. This is when they are locked up in a local mental hospital, or ‘Brainstorm House’, to use the politically correct term.

A visit to the local paper – Her Maj visits those clever hacks at the WEP and marvel at how they can turn a story about a cat being sick, into a four-page pullout about animal rights. They also visit their ‘propaganda section’ and look at how history has seen them single-handily build up the fan-base and interest in Wigan Rugby League. Sadly nowadays, they’ve jumped onto the Latics bandwagon and have somehow conned their readers into believing the club was formed in 2005, when they got into the Premiership. The Queen will also pay tribute to the paper’s bosses, as they have been kindly employing talentless writers and journalists since day one.

A visit to Wigan Pier - The Queen believes that this visit will see her looking around the famous heritage centre and museum. But seeing as they no longer exist, thanks to the Council’s ‘big plan’ (their interpretation of a new ‘heritage centre’ is made out of hotels and flats), she is left surprised when Prince Harry pops up to take her for a ‘jive’ at the infamous ‘bouncy house’ club. Again, her perception will prove to be false, as activities at the club don’t involve jiving of any kind, plus the only thing ‘bouncy’ in there is the fake/stolen boobs of the orange-skinned women, who are molested by toothless urchins from Skem, naturally.

It's a joke that I love to slip in as often as I can. But the thing is – it isn’t a joke! Walk around your local town and they are all at, even the lads! Fake tanning – is it really needed?

Women are the biggest offenders, why they feel the need to have an orange face is beyond me. They think they look nice but they look like the ‘Tango Man’ has been on one of his sexually-dubious rampages. Mixed in with a bit of tracksuit and cheap jewellery – it doesn’t look good love!

I can just about understand why women would attempt it, once, but why the lads? Everyone’s talking about ‘metro-sexuality’. What the hell does that mean? How does looking like a woman make you even more of a man?

It doesn’t just stop at that horrible orange stuff they slap on – sunbeds also do a roaring trade, giving skin cancer to all. I don’t get it, are people that vain enough to make themselves look stupid? It doesn’t look good when the stuff leaves brown marks on your body and those white patches, which you missed, are shining and twinkling at you, like no star ever could.

I don’t think I’m that particular good looking (I prefer ‘dashing’) but what defines ‘good looking’? I’m not sure anymore! Everybody has different tastes. If you want to make yourself orange, look like a clown and commit petty crime - fair enough. And if you want to go out with that – fair enough. Just don’t get in my face, telling me how good it is because I think you look f***ing daft!

I like girls to look nice and to take care of themselves but fake tan doesn’t look good. The clue is in the name – its fake, your fake. Don’t do it girls, go to Benidorm or something, it’ll be cheaper in the long run!

Taken from my blog at caravanofhate.blogspot.com/ - Written in September 2008

Wigan has become a melting pot for drunken fights, people bring sick and horrible women lifting up their skirts for every passing, equally horrible men. No it isn’t a rugby match at the JJB, it’s the town centre nightlife!

Recently featured on Five’s ‘CCTV Cities’, Wigan’s King Street, was shown to be a haven for drunken pricks, drug dealers and people with all the dignity of an anorak who collects Gary Glitter records. But to be fair, it isn’t Wigan that is just like that, it seems to be a nationwide problem. As a proud Wiganer, it saddens me that we don’t dare to show some originality. We have to copy what other towns and cities do. Not just people’s lifestyles but the way in which the town centre pubs and clubs run things. The annual Boxing Day fancy dress is probably the only unique thing we have left.

My latest tirade comes hot on the heels of the apparent closure of The Tavern. It’s seems that another town centre pub has bitten the dust, as the King Street ‘superclubs’ get richer. Like most pubs, The Tavern was once a great place for live music, a bit of a drink (!), the odd burger (laced with salmonella!) and in some cases - a drunken sing-song! It’s even more of a shame when you consider how many pubs have shut doing the last couple of years. People, even in these tough economic times, seem to prefer paying through the nose for club entry, drinks and the oppounitiy to be patronised and bullied by the staff, whilst for a fraction of that outlay, they could enjoy a decent night in their local. Hopefully The Tavern will re-open as soon as possible and not become a soulless shop or an empty building like The Crofters.

I’m not against nightclubs (if that’s what their called nowadays) in any way, I sometimes go into them but I really don’t understand why people would want to spend more money, every week, just because they ’have good music’ (which is very debateable!). I understand that those are the places ‘to be seen’ at but why not have a change every so often? Spend a little time, pacing yourself, at one of the very few pubs we have left, have a nice drink and chat. But no, people just go out at 10.00pm neck a couple of alchopops, make a complete dick of themselves, try to listen, then 'dance' to deafening 'cheese' and end the night up in a police van, with a shoe/half their face missing. Classy place eh? I'm probably a fine one to talk! I always end up drunk most weekends but I don't feel the need to commit crime or make a prick of myself. I go out to have a good time and as I pace myself, with a lovely pint of best, I do!

King Street is home to a number of chain clubs. Not Wetherspoons or the many breweries which try to keep the pub genre going but million pound monstrosities such as Liquid, Walkabout and the ‘wacky and wild’ Jumpin' Jaks. All of which you will see in most towns in the country, with the same set up, drinks and ‘entertainment’ If its what people want, fair enough but is it what they want? All this ‘drink what you want and really quickly’ culture has been forced upon us by these chain clubs and sadly people vote with their vomit. The pub culture has always been about pacing yourself and resisting the temptation to throw ‘slammers’ down your neck.

Britain’s once proud pub culture is slowly being decimated, I would be surprised if there are any ‘proper pubs’ left in ten years. I suppose it doesn't really matter - we are slowly losing our national identity anyway. Now its all about drunken idiots, who can’t handle their drink, stumbling about and causing no end of problems. Is that what we really want? What happened to having a good time, listening to good music and having a nice drink?

The football season is coming to an end and I couldn’t be more glad! Last night’s heartbreaking 2-1 defeat to Manchester United (™) just summed up this season for Wigan Athletic – frustrating!

We battled really hard and deserved at least a point from the match, but the ‘orribles had to equalise and score a winner in the last five minutes – AGAIN! And it isn’t just Man Utd – we’ve had Chelsea and Liverpool over a barrel too, but we just can’t seem to hold on.

I was disappointed not to see Steve Bruce make more substitutions, as it was clear some of our players were absolutely knackered! Taking N’Zogbia off was a huge mistake, as Rodellga (who earlier had left Vidic, the so-called best centre half in the league, on his arse and smashed in the opening goal) was moved to the left and didn’t track O’Shea, as he set up Carrick’s winner.

I don’t need to go on about their fans. They are all total pricks who should be supporting their local teams. We all know the proper United fans support FC United anyway. Apparently a few of them started singing the sickening ‘Argentina’ chant to ugly, fatboy Tevez. Thankfully some of them got a slap or two off some Wiganers, as they stood up and cheered in the HOME STAND. I don’t care what you think, if you can’t get a ticket for the away end but can for the home end, fair enough. But don’t stand up and start cheering when your team score. It’s common sense!

Of course if the rugby-lovers hear about this, then they will have a field day. But football, to many people, is a passionate sport - it’s about local pride (well not at Old Trafford anyway!) and with the vast coverage football gets in the media – it’s like your town is being represented and put on trial. If you think a couple of rent-boys* getting slapped in the East Stand of the JJB is bad, then you simply don’t have a clue. How many people get off their face each weekend on crap drinks and beat someone up for ‘looking at them’? Now that is ‘mindless violence’, which needs outlawing - at least there’s a good reason for slapping United fans!

United just now need a point to retain their title and are playing Barcelona in the European Cup (not ‘Champions League!) final. Meanwhile, Latics are still being belittled by everyone, even our chairman, Dave ‘Father Jack’ Whelan. I don’t like the way he is selling our club as an ‘halfway house for young players’, so we can sell them and make huge profits. That’s not progressing, that’s just existing. I can’t really see us keeping this Premiership lark up if it carries on.

I understand the ethics of it but why can’t we fight harder to keep players? Palacios is a prime example. Why should we sell any of our players to anyone bar the BIG FOUR or the cream of the European clubs? Whelan’s aim is to qualify for Europe, so why sell to clubs like Spurs, who will also be battling for Europe? It doesn’t make any sense.

In a way, I’ll be glad if this stance of Whelan’s doesn’t pay off and we struggle, not that I want that of course! But we will be left without cheating players, idiotic fans and the fashion accessories, which make up this sham of a league!

(*No offence to actual rent-boys, although it is illegal lads - just don’t forget to ‘rubber up’!)